


Doctor Who RPF: I never had...

by TARDIS_Type40_my_all_time_favourite1986



Category: Doctor Who RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Falling In Love, Fear, First Meetings, Love, Mattex, More Tags following, Save Our Mattex, Slow Burn, like a family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2020-12-14 18:37:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21020402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TARDIS_Type40_my_all_time_favourite1986/pseuds/TARDIS_Type40_my_all_time_favourite1986
Summary: It is the story of a man who, through the role of his life, found more than the chance to become the protagonist of a truly popular series. It's my story and I want to tell you that.





	1. Chapter 1 - ... to meet you

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, reader
> 
> Welcome to my first Mattex story and my fifth Doctor Who RPF story. The other four are stories that tell of Colepaldi.
> 
> For me, RPFs are narratives that might have happened in the vast spaces of the multiverse somewhere out there, and that have nothing (or even partial) of anything to do with our reality.
> 
> Of course, no violation of the actors and other real people is intended, but let's face it, if I really wanted to hurt Matt, for example, there would be other possibilities. And I would not even consider that.
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoy reading.
> 
> Allons-y!

Doctor Who is © by BBC. 

Doctor Who RPF: I never had...

Chapter 1 - ... to meet you

May I introduce myself? My name is Matthew Robert Smith or just Matt Smith and I have the great honor of being the Doctor. No, not a doctor, but the Doctor, in the famous series Doctor Who.

Before I got offered the role, I did not know the series personally. Of course, I knew they existed, it's impossible to get past them, but I was not really into it, as my predecessor David Tennant did.

I then looked at all the old and new episodes and I liked the second doctor best. That's why I'm wearing Bow Ties in the series, well, I think it's great in real life, or as the Doctor would say, "Bow Ties are Cool!"

Karen, Arthur and I had already done some episodes when Steven told us that we would meet someone new today.

I was not really that enthusiastic, after all, we were a well-rehearsed team and someone else would destroy it, but I trusted Steven as well and so just smiled.

Oh yes, before I forget. Did you know that after the episode "The Eleventh Hour" aired on television, Peter Capaldi came straight to me while I was on the road, congratulating me on my role and assuring me that I would be a good Doctor?

From my research, I knew that he was a big fan, if not the biggest, of Doctor Who, and standing in front of him in that moment increased my hope that it would be a good time.

But now should change for our team, which will later get the name "Team TARDIS", a lot.

„All right, listen to me!“, Steven clapped his hands and as I looked up my breath really stopped. In front of me stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. I was pretty sure I would not speak, so I got up and ran, hoping I would not trip over my legs.

That had just been too much. Did not Steven mention her name? I did not know it anymore, my head was empty.

„So, why did you just run away?“, Karen came to me with these words and I sighed softly.  
„We're really supposed to be shooting with a grandmother?“, I asked, „we're all so close to one another in old age, and that's just going to destroy that.“

„Alex is not that old yet.“

Alex, I let the name melt on my tongue. Alex Kingston, Alexandra Elizabeth Kingston, I remembered. Why did she have to be? And why did my hands sweat like that, just thinking about her name?

I should not think that way, even though, of course, I could not have guessed it at the time, I was not supposed to develop feelings for someone so much older than me. It just was not right, even if it felt like that.

„Well, come on, let's go back. You should apologize for your behavior.“

I just nodded and followed her.

„Come on“, she pushed me in a certain direction forward, but again sat down with me everything and again this time I was probably the biggest idiot in the world.  
„When you said we're getting someone new to the team, I did not expect that to be one that has only two roles to retire!“

Only later, much later, did I understand how hurtful my words were, but at the same time it was also a kind of protective mechanism against myself.

I was lying on the couch in the evening, which I had in the apartment that I lived in here in Cardiff and thought about today. I would be surprised if I could continue to be the doctor and not have to regenerate suddenly.

I closed my eyes and tried to find some rest. Unfortunately, that was not possible for me, because the eyes of her eyes kept coming back to me, a look that told me how difficult it would be to work with her in the near future.

Because one thing I already knew long ago: if I'm not as professional as possible, I can not promise that I will not behave like an idiot again.

More than I would otherwise behave like that. Oh, that was all too complicated. And I got a headache when I had to think about it all the time.

Eventually I had to fall asleep, because the knock on my door, a really strong knock, which I knew was Karen and I really asked myself if she used a metal glove for it woke me.

Asleep, as I was, I opened the door. She really stood in front of me and looked at me as if she wanted to rip me in the air and then put it back together so that she does not notice what she did to me.

„So, what the hell was that yesterday?!“

„Can I at least get dressed?“, I asked and she gave me, generous as she was, five minutes. I hurried, aware of how angry she could become, and came back a little later.

„Kaz, look... When Steven told us we were getting someone new on the team, I'd rather expected it to be someone closer to our age.“

Karen just shook her head when she noticed my stubbornness.

„So you really do not want to work with Alex?“  
„No, I really do not intend to do that.“  
„You're really the biggest idiot I've ever met, Smithers.“  
„What does that mean now? Just because I refuse or, rather said, do not feel like working with her?“

She looked at me as if I had completely lost her mind, but what she said then tore the ground from under my feet.

„She will be your wife, you stupid idiot!“

**********

Ohoh ... I do not think Karen wanted to say it that way. In the next chapter we will of course see Matt's reaction and of course, how he will continue to behave towards Alex.

Little Funfact: The meeting between Matthew Smith and Peter Capaldi really happened, so it's not an invention on my part.


	2. Chapter 2 -... to be so stupid

Chapter 2 - ... to be so stupid

The words Karen had thrown against me were still passing through my mind. Why should Alex become my wife? I do not know that we were engaged. That would be the shortest engagement of all time.

Karen shook her head and explained what she really meant by that. Well, the doctor and river will marry, then it was not better, if I could mention it that way.

„And they really did not find any younger actress who will play my wife? The fans will tear us apart, claim that it is perverted.“  
Karen sighed. She looked at me as if I had gone crazy.  
„These fans should know that the Doctor and River are not like normal people, alas some of them are not even human.“

I ran away, out of the apartment and managed to be the first on the set, alone by the energy that went through my body, where I sat down completely exhausted on one of the benches. Sometimes, when I struggled too much, the old injury that I experienced at the age of 15 came out and I was reminded of what I had lost.

I did not like to think about it, and if I'm honest, I loved being a Doctor. It was a great role and with Arthur and Karen I had two good friends.

„I see they're all there“, I heard Steven's voice far off, and when I looked up, they all stood in front of me, looking at me expectantly.

„Does that really have to be with the marriage?“  
„The Doctor marries River, it's not like you have to marry Alex“, Steven grinned and I sighed.  
„That would be even worse“, I said only, before I rose, supporting myself with my hands, and cast a glance at everyone in front of me.  
„I'm still not satisfied with all this, but I also know that me will not be able to do much to stop it. Alright, let's shoot the episodes we need.“

I reached out a hand in her direction to offer this as a gesture of reconciliation, and she gripped it with a smile. I nearly stumbled backwards as she looked at me, but could barely hold me like that.

„Apology accepted.“  
„I did not apologize“, I said again.  
„Yes, you did, otherwise you would not have come to me, Matthew.“

I swallowed, never had anyone mentioned my name in such a way that it seemed to me that I was hearing it for the first time.

„Yes, Alexandra, that could be a reason.“

A hawk behind us let us diverge and we looked a little embarrassed to the others. Exactly, we had a turn to shoot.

In this episode, of course, River Song should appear for the first time. She is only partially human and, like the Doctor, has the ability to regenerate, but the possibilities are limited, which was already known due to a sequence that took place in the past in which River died.

You're probably wondering why I'm not telling you the names of the episodes? Well, that's because I do not want to take the suspense from you and how would my wife still say for fun after all these years: „Spoilers.“ 

But that was something that was still in the future at that time.

During the shooting days I felt again how awkwardly I could be sometimes. Often I would throw a vase around or stumble over my feet so stupid that I once or twice beat my nose bloody.

And now it was the third time. The blood just ran down my face.  
„You really should be a little more careful, Liebling.“ 

I looked up. Alex really called me "Liebling", which, she explained, meant Darling, even though I did not understand it at first.  
„I can not help it, that my legs are so long.“  
„Possible, but you're still a little nonsense.“  
„I'm a little taller than you“, I looked offended and wondered what was wrong with me. Not so long ago, I had resisted us working together and now ...

„I have to go back to the States soon“, she tore me from my thoughts.  
„To the States? I thought you belonged to the team.“  
„Not really. Besides, I can not always stay away from my daughter for a long time.“

I sighed. She had a daughter, of course she had this. I think Alex mentioned her many times, but I probably did not listen during that time.  
„When do you fly back?“  
„As soon as we finish shooting here.“

I nodded and took the handkerchief from my nose. The bleeding had stopped completely and Alex gently removed the remains with a wet cloth. I swallowed when she was so close to me, but before I could do anything stupid, she had risen to wish me a nice day.

I stayed behind as the only one on the set and scolded myself for being the biggest idiot that time had ever seen.

Later, when I returned to my Cardiff apartment, I was still completely different. I did not like Alex in the beginning and now she just could not leave my head.

Only, with whom should I talk about it? Karen would think I was crazy, Arthur would give me some advice I could not possibly do either.

I could only think of one person who would understand me. I quickly grabbed my cellphone and dialed a specific number. It took a while for someone to lose weight, but as soon as I heard my sister's voice, I just could not hold back the tears.

„I think I'm falling in love“, I admitted in a heavy voice, and if Laura had the opportunity, she would have come to me the next moment.

„It would not be the first time, brother.“  
„No, this time it's really stronger. I feel like it's going to dissolve me inside when I can not be around.“

My sister was silent. Lor knew me, so I never talked about my old friends. So, thinking about what was different this time, a kind of longing that I'd never known before unfolded inside me.

„Oh, Alex... what are you doing to me?“


	3. Chapter 3 -.... Falling in love with you

Chapter 3 -.... Falling in love with you

„Do not tell me you fall in love with Alex Kingston!“, Laura snapped at me and I felt like she was standing right next to me. She was really loud.  
„I do not know, it's just that she was very nice to me today. She even helped me when my nose was bleeding and her hands are so...“  
„Not a word, brother. You realize what nonsense you're thinking?“

I sighed. As if I would not think about it. I realize that it is wrong, but I also told myself that if I continue to be hostile towards her, my feelings will also go away and I can just go on with it as I have done before.

I recently had a relationship that unfortunately did not go very well, we split up in the argument because she thought I had too little time for her.

Maybe that was why Lor was thinking. Although, I'm her little brother, she would always worry about me no matter what I did.

„You know I'm just worried about you, Matt?“  
„Yes, but... Thank you, but I can only do something about what happens to me. I call you later.“

And without waiting for an answer from her, I hung up and threw the phone away from me. With both hands I drove through my hair and closed my eyes. I have to get rid of these nascent feelings before they get stronger.

„Hey, Kingston!“, I greeted her in the morning, „So the wheelchair brought you safely here?“

She looked at me a little surprised, but turned back to the next moment their activity.  
„Listen, sweetie, if you continue to behave so childishly... No, wait, you're still a kid, how could I forget that.“

I rolled my eyes. This woman would still drive me crazy.  
„Did not you want to go back to the States?“  
„Only the day after tomorrow.“

I asked how long she would be gone, and when she told me, I struggled to keep myself up. I knew that the gap would be good, but I also sensed that I needed a lot of distraction so as not to constantly wander with the thoughts of someone special.

„Then it's O.K. Only Amy, Rory, and of course the Doctor.“  
„Remember, sweetie, we're getting married soon...“

I swallowed, she was suddenly right in front of me.  
„Something I would like to do without. Can not River somebody else...“

"Ah, I see you've been around since!" Karen interrupted, "I hope I did not interrupt my daughter and her crazy husband at something."

As if we were really caught in something, we jumped apart and shook my head contemptuously.  
„Kaz, please, that's something I do not even want to introduce myself.“  
Her answer just a - "Of course you do not want that" - look, the irony was completely readable.  
„Do not we have to start shooting soon? I want to bring the scenes with River behind me.“

I just heard a giggle from both and shook my head. That could really be something else.

However, after all were there, it went to work.

Of course, because of my way of constantly losing control of my feet, I fell for a while... and, as we were shooting a scene, pulled Kingston along with me. We landed so she lay on top of me, damn near. I was really glad at the moment that in fact I did not have two hearts, I was guaranteed to have died of a double heart attack at that moment.

„Well, that was not what I expected.“  
„Then it would be a good idea to go down from me.“

She jumped up and tapped her hands on her clothes. I, on the other hand, lay still for a few seconds, before I rose too.  
„Can I wash my tweet before we continue?“  
„Why yours? He's from the costume department.“  
„No, I bought it at a charity gala...“

Steven's rather angry voice brought us back and each of us could see how upset he was.  
„Sorry, I'll try to break the shoot a bit less now.“  
„Good, then on.“

A few hours later, we decided to take a break. Actually, I just wanted to get away as quickly as possible, because in one scene, River hugged the Doctor because they had to hide from pursuers and I cursed my body because he had reacted. And, of course, Kingston got it, but she did not speak it. It did not even seem to matter to her that I'm so tough because of her.

Although I must say that it would have been quite embarrassing if she had just let go of a spell.

However, I was glad when I finally got into my Cardiff apartment and closed the door behind me. Damn, I had to get out of my clothes as fast as possible and under the cold shower. Otherwise, I would be lying there all night with a constant excitement. How about... No, no, just do not think about it.

Oh, why am I telling you this? But, if you are too young, then perhaps you should not read my story.

Now back to the essential.

Due to the fact that I was so damn close to Alex, I was faced with a problem. I had planned not to let her in on me and yet she did not disappear from my thoughts. I had to admit that by no means did she have the appearance of her age.

No, she looked so much younger.

Let's summarize:  
First: I did not like Kingston (I'm completely in love with Alex.)  
Second: Once we're done shooting this episode, luckily it will not be there for now (I did not want anything more than to ask her to stay with me).  
And thirdly: It would soon come to the first kiss between River and the Doctor, which I did not want to do (only once and I would be the happiest man of all time.)

No matter how much I thought about how much I weighed it up and down, it just did not change how I felt. And this time I would not be able to escape my feelings.

And maybe I did not want that either.

************

That's right with the tweed, that is, he belongs to Matt and yes, he got it at a charity gala.


	4. Chapter 4 -... to keep you

Chapter 4 -... to keep you

After realizing over the past few hours that I had fallen in love with Alex, I resolved to pay less attention to her except when we were in our roles and that as the Doctor I was a different person ... Good , the doctor is not a human, I know, but it's clear what I mean by that.

Anyway, this time I arrived last on the set, where I am waiting eagerly for myself. Well, rather angry, but at least we could finally start spinning.

As already mentioned, I will not talk about what happens in the episodes that were filmed. First, because you've probably already seen them, and secondly, if that's not the case, why are you reading my story at all? And please look at the consequences, not only of the Doctor, whom I embodied.

Well, at some point these hours were behind us and of course everyone in the team was done. Luckily, this weekend is tomorrow and we had some free time.

„Hey, Kingston!“, I called as I remembered that she wanted to leave today, „are you still there?“  
„Sorry, sweetie, but my flight will not be in two hours, so complain to the travel agency.“  
„Two hours longer with you in a country...“

I stumbled back the next moment when she hugged me suddenly and I was not prepared for it. As well as? Still, I could not help but reciprocate that gesture.  
„Have fun and do not think too much about me.“  
„I'm always thinking of you, only these thoughts are not positive.“  
„Of course“, she only said, gave me a light kiss on the cheek and then moved away from me.

„I certainly will not miss you!“, I called after her, knowing very well that it was a lie.

„And you'll miss her“, Kazza interrupted, but I just shook my head to tell her she was wrong.  
„We do not like each other“, I reminded them, „you should have noticed that long ago.“

And without waiting for an answer from her, I left. Kaz could be pretty stubborn.

Back in my Cardiff apartment, I decided to just end the evening. It was a difficult week for me, and not just because of the fact that I constantly had the woman in front of me, in whom I was completely in love, but because I also hoped that no one would hear of my misery.

I winced as something vibrated in my pocket and took out my cellphone to read the message.  
~ You'll miss her, Smithers ~

I hereby apologize for the sudden death of Karen Sheila Gillan, who tragically lost her life (or was murdered by one of her best friends.)

The problem was that she was right. I missed Alex, but I was also scared of what might happen if we did the wedding. I know it's just in our roles as the Doctor and River, but I was so excited, as if I was really getting married.

Was it like I was a stalker if I found out a bit about Alex on the internet? Maybe, but I wanted to learn as much as I could about her.

The first thing I realized was that two of our events in the past overlapped, with some time in between, but not as if it had been more latitude.

If I had not had the accident at the time and Alex had really gone so far as to actually take his own life, then we would both not be here. I do not believe in destiny, I never did, yet it was quite surprising that we played together in a series today and even portrayed a couple.

I scrolled down a bit and grinned when she said in another interview that she probably just had to leave ER because she was too old.

Were these people blind? Alex did not look any older than... Well, between the ages of 35 and 40, I would never think of it if I did not know her, that she was so much older. Of course the public knew about their true age, but does not it mean that age was just a number?

After I learned a lot (and looked at some photos from the past), I decided to refresh myself in the bathroom and then go to bed.

Was it wrong of me that I wish she was with me now? Most people probably thought I should look for someone closer to my age, but I could not and did not. Sure, I might have many years with someone younger, but we could be kidnapped after only five years...

So I lay awake and thought about the pros and cons. I thought about what it would be like spending many years with Alex, even if it's just a dream.

The next morning began with a wild knock on my door and Kaz's loud voice that truly screamed my name all over Cardiff and beyond.

Furious, I tore open the door and then heard the trigger of a camera.  
„And sent“, she grinned shortly afterwards and of course I asked if.  
„To Alex. I know that when she's in the States, she spends time with her daughter and...“  
„With her husband, it looks like“, I sighed.  
„She is a widow, he died when Sal was three years old. Cancer, as usual.“

I just stared at her. I did not know that. If I think about it now, then I had found nothing to do when I did some research.

Karen put a hand on my shoulder.  
„She's been through a lot in the past, Matt, be careful not to hurt her too much.“

I lowered my head and sighed softly.  
„I can not do that, but I love her too much.“

Kaz just looked at me... And I just realized what I just mentioned.

****************

First, of course, I know what past the characters had to go through, but since this is an AU, so taking place in a parallel world, there are still differences.

Second, we'll see ... well, spoilers.

Third, I found out that Matt's injury and Alex's suicide attempt (which luckily did not happen) was really about the same time. In other words, there are Eleven and River, but not as we know and love them.


	5. Chapter 5 - ...to be so thankful

Chapter 5 -... to be so thankful

Hello, sweeties

My dear husband (who unfortunately hid what he had written in a folder with a password) asked me to write this chapter for posterity.

Actually, I never tell a lot about my private life, although Matthew always says that I've revealed too much to the world.

Well, let's start. It's been a few years, so I guess I will not remember everything so well.

When the plane landed in Los Angeles, I was quite excited to see my daughter again. It was my world, but after Florian passed away, it was decided to put Salomé in foster care and I was allowed to see her on two weekends a month, which, however, were prescribed to me.

Fortunately, the team was very obliging, so that the episodes could be shot without me in time. Unless the weekend was no free time for us.

Sal was already waiting with her foster parents, whom I knew did not like me at all. The man even said to me that I did not deserve to have her and that it was disgusting to have children in other ways than given.

Sal ran to me and I could not help but laugh. She really was my whole world. Actually, I could give her everything, but I was always on the go because of my job.

„I missed you so much, Mum.“

There were only a few moments where I'm really happy. This was one of them.  
„I'm glad too, little one“, I smiled, „I hope you did well in time.“

She grimaced a little, which was enough to answer. I simply could not get my smile away.  
„You have to tell me everything you have experienced.“  
„Oh, the usual. How are you doing with Doctor Who? I hope the others are friendly to you?“

Except for Smith, who could be really naughty, they were. (Of course, I would not admit that I missed him, most of all.)  
„Just do not think about it anymore“, I said, because I did not want to waste the little time we had.

„And he's really as rude to you as you've told me, Mum? Well, at school I learned that it's only when the boy likes the girl.“

I shook my head and thought about the few times when Matt once again lost control of his legs and each one of us was struggling to stop laughing.

„I think Matt is a bit too old to push me off the swing just because he thinks a girl would like that.“

We both laughed when we saw the picture. I really wanted... wait a minute, something bothers me right now.

Well, I did not expect that now. Karen had sent me a photo of a sleepy Matt. A very nice, sleepy Matt. He was naked, at least as far as the upper side of his body was concerned... Okay, too much of a good thing. I put the phone away and decided not to think about the rest of the weekend.

(If you read this, sweetie, then please do not imagine that it almost did not work to get rid of the sight of you.)

Sal asked me if we could go to the movies and of course I agreed. At the same time, I wondered what Matt would do in such a situation. I really should not think too much about him.

„Which movie do you want to see, kid?“  
She told me her request and of course I had to smile a little.  
„And you did not happen to see him by accident?“  
„No, none of my friends wanted to go with me and, well, they did not allow me to go alone. Actually, it's the first time I'm allowed to travel without them.“

I wish so much that I could take her to England.  
(At the time, I could not guess how much Matthew would surprise me one day, but what's the name of it?: Spoilers.)

When we later sat in the cinema and watched the movie, I wondered what it would be like if Florian was still alive. Would we all be here together?

I tried to remember what he looked like, but instead green eyes appeared in front of me. I've had day since then, as my husband has no relationship, all those years.

(Well, I had one or the other one night stand for a short time, but that did not give me what I wanted or needed.)

I even took a break to be there for my little girl... until the moment she was taken away from me.

I should not write this, it's things that are far in the past, of which I could not even tell Matt about it for a long time. Today, when I write these lines, of course, he knows everything about what I've experienced...

Damn it! I should write about how I spent the weekend and now I'm sitting here, over 70 and crying. Matt, honey, do not be mad if you read this chapter here, I just got carried away.

Footsteps sounded behind me, making me smile as I continued to write these words. Although Matt did not look like a teenager anymore, he was still childlike. Sometimes I really could not believe that he really stayed with me all those years.

Oh, it was probably not such a good idea to write a chapter for posterity, my husband can certainly better.

[Matthew took her hands and smiled when he said it was all right and he was very grateful to her. It was not bad that she got lost in the future, after all, they spent so much time together that he could not be more grateful.

„I want to tell the people out there our story, Lex. Even if a lot of years have passed, I still remember very well how the reactions were back then.“

Alexandra nodded and put her hand on his. Yes, it was a good and hard time. And slowly she understood why he did it.]

*********************

This chapter is different from the others. This is because it shows that everything happened in the past and is written down in the future.

From an interview (made in 2011) I know that Alex, when she was in the States, had spent a lot of time with her daughter... The rest of the chapter, of course, has sprung from my imagination.


End file.
